The Date of Our Lives

I was really looking forward to meeting this girl. She seemed really charming from her profile, a gorgeous smile, funny, outgoing. We were supposed to meet at Huey's for a casual dinner at 7. Huey's is one of my favorite restaurants in Memphis. Blues and brews with live music every night. I thought she'd enjoy the upbeat atmosphere. I just wish she would have just told me she had something else going on. At 6:50 she texted me she'd be a few minutes late. And at 7:15 she said she was on her way. She stumbled through the door, frantically looking for me at 7:50. That's the last time I rely on a bust shot for photo. I could tell she had a little meat on her, which was a good thing, but this chick was definitely heavier than I expected, about 30 pounds more. That aside, she still had a gorgeous face, long black hair, enchanting brown eyes, full pouty lips, and a nice rack to top it off. So I figured maybe I can work with that, so I'll stick around. I stand up and wave her over before she asks the hostess for me. So she comes over and gives some lame excuse about car trouble. When I offer to take a look at it, she says "Oh, uh, that's so sweet but no thanks, I don't want to trouble you." I say it's no problem at all, I'd be happy to help. Then she says she's already scheduled to take it in to the shop. So I say, let me save you some money and take a look at it for free. And she says no offense, but she only trusts her baby in the hands of her mechanic. Yeah right, just give up on the lie, nothing was wrong with your car.

Anyway, the waitress comes over and takes our drink orders. It takes her 5 minutes to decide on a drink. She has a question about every beverage on the menu, even the water. "Is it spring or distilled?" Her mouth turned down in one corner for a half-frown when the waitress replied "Tap." She finally decided to go with a drink not even on the menu that the waitress had to check on with the bartender - a mango martini, shaken not stirred (yes, seriously!), chilled to about 40 degrees with "just a spash of triple sec." I joke that she shouldn't be surprised if she finds a piece of steak floating in her glass from the meat thermometer they'll have to use to check the temp, and she stares at me with look of shock and disgust on her face. So I quickly assure her I was just joking, but she just gives one of those fake smiles and says "Oh ok," but I can tell she still can't shake the idea that she should be inspecting everything she orders. I tell the waitress instead of the beer I'll have a Jack and Coke, and make it a double.

We chat for a while about ourselves, where we're from, what we like to do. She warms up again and I start to think maybe she's more easygoing after all. She's genuinely laughing at my jokes and making some witty ones her self. Our drinks come out and she slowly spins the martini glass around, making sure nothing suspect is in her drink. I chuckle and tell her everything's fine, she shouldn't worry about this place it's one of the cleanest restaurants I've been in. But she just smiles and continues to inspect the drink for a solid minute before she takes the first sip. She says they used more than a splash of triple sec, but it's decent. I nearly chug down half my Jack and Coke.

It takes her another 10 minutes to decide on the steak dinner, which I'm surprised she didn't have a set of preparation instructions for. It would have probably helped the waitress out if she did. I chug the rest of my drink and order another with my burger and fries. We resume our conversation, it resumes its warm and congenial flow, and somehow land on the topic of gay rights. While I'm mid-sentence about how I think the whole marriage issue isn't a big deal, she blurts out "I'm a lesbian." At first I think schwing! I hope she has a hot girlfriend who's joining us later! But then I'm reminded her online ad said "Woman seeking Man" and she had posted all the ideal traits of her male counterpart. So I ask her why she placed the ad and she says it was an assignment for her writing class! I'm like what the fuck?! Who gives an assignment to go on a date with someone and impersonate someone you aren't?! Maybe an acting class...but not a writing one! So she actually pulls out her Blackberry and checks her class assignment instructions and realizes she read it wrong. She was supposed to find a personal ad for someone she would never go out with and pretend to go out on a date with them and write about it. Not actually contact the person and go out on the date. What a ditz. Without saying a word I got up and left. She didn't even try to stop me or apologize. It wouldn't have mattered anyway.